Big brother, little toddler

When I think of my early years, Forrest Gump comes to mind. "Isn't it funny how some things you remember and some things you can't?"

I am the youngest of 4 children. My siblings still to this day think that I was spoiled. I don't think so, but I guess as you read this you can be the judge. Sound fair? 


My oldest sister is around 13 years older than me, my second oldest sister is about older by 11 or 12 years and my brother is 9 years older than I am.  With that gap there's no hiding that I definitely was an "Ooops" baby. We joke in our family because my oldest sister and I share birthdays very close in date in September.  My parents got married in December. Take a second and do the math. In case you didn't get it we know they must have had a really good honeymoon and... years later at least one really good anniversary!!  For those of you who are still lost September is the 9th month of the year.  As for my brother - he came with the house. We found him under the carpet, which may be true. To this day he still insists on different ancestry. We'll talk about that later.


I can still remember sleeping in my crib. One morning in particular stands out. It must have been an extra early morning for me. Typical toddler though thinking "hey it's light out, it's time to get up." I can remember yelling for my Daddy to come and get me. "Daaaaaaddyyyyyy! Daaaaaahddyyyy! Come and get meeee!! I'm up!!" I felt like I was screaming for hours!! Finally I heard movement, "Ah he's finally coming!" I thought. As I heard him approach I got my blankie ready for the dismount out of the crib. Imagine my disappointment as he came to my room, only to lay me back down and tell me to go back to sleep. I remember being thrown for a complete loop! "Did he not just hear me say I'm awake? Hellooo, I want to get UP, not go to sleep! Doesn't he see it's light outside?" I must have put a lot of thought into this on this particular day. It is so funny to me that I still remember this. You Mom's and Dad's out there may get a little encouragement here because I think I actually did fall back asleep. I bet my parents were so incredibly thankful for that!


My oldest sister and I seemed to always clash. I don't really know why. As far as my brother, I always wanted to be closer to him. I think we were close until he hit his teen years. I remember we used to play. I think he resented me though. For one thing he lost the gift of being the baby of the house when I was born. I remember him getting in trouble for playing too rough with me whenever I got hurt so that could have started some resentment as well.  I always felt so terrible anytime he got in trouble. I imagine being his younger sister that I must have taddled and caused him grief, I just don't remember. In my memories , I just remember feeling sympathy and wishing I could take away any punishment I new he was getting.  Unless maybe it was for him hurting me, then I was probably thinking, "Ha, so there!"


One afternoon he had an Oreo cookie. You can imagine when a 2 1/2 year old sees a cookie, instantly they want it. Oh I begged him for a cookie and he so kindly retrieved one for me from the cherished cookie jar. I can still remember the heavy sound of the ceramic as it opened and shut. The joyful feeling that noise gave me knowing the sweet goodness that was inside that plain brown canister. What my brother didn't do was tell me to eat it stealthy in the kitchen. You know, keep it on the down low. Feeling proud of my new treasure I darted out to the living room to show off my cookie to my parents who asked, "where did you get that!" Being so excited about my cookie to notice the tone of disapproval, I joyfully replied, "Scott gave it to me!" I didn't understand the commotion it caused. My dad left the room to confront my brother. Apparently he must have been told not to have any cookies. Maybe he didn't eat all his dinner, maybe it was before dinner. Those details I don't recall. My eyes filled with tears and my little mind couldn't comprehend why he got a spanking for being nice and giving me a cookie. I felt terrible for my big brother. I felt like it was my fault. I think I even cried quietly in my mom's lap.


I remember adoring my brother when I was small. He used to play rough. Tickle me, do horsey rides. He had friends who also had energy to keep up with me wanting to play play play! I used to sneak into his room sometimes to sleep. I just wanted to be close to him. It was nice to have someone to rough house with. My parents were older and kind of lame when it came to that. I can remember asking my mom to play a game, "Play with me Mommy!! I'm bored!!" I remember her common reply, "I like being bored!" Something I just could NOT comprehend. At the time I thought my mom was completely nuts. She loved to sit in her chair, bite her nails, and smoke her cigarettes. "How could anyone LIKE being bored?!" I remember pondering that questsion over and over in my head while wishing for something to do.


That cookie exchange with my brother was the last day I remember my brother really trying to do anything nice for me. After that it was more like, "Get out of my room" or "go away and play with your toys." He was great at being sarcastic too. I don't think he ever realized how much that hurts. I can remember having a bad day at school. Crying to my mother over some mean things some kids had said or did to me. My brother always somehow heard the conversation would constantly interject with some senseless and hurtful come back. "Oh that was great, ask her how much I owe her for that." Or sometimes, "Did you remember to say thank you?" Not to be beaten by his famous, "You probably deserved it" line. I don't know if he was trying to be funny or cheer me up or if he intended to be as hurtful as it was.  What I do know is that it didn't make me laugh in the slightest.  I just felt like I was mistreated and hurt and no one cared or wanted to listen. Sometimes on real bad days I wondered if I even deserved to be treated any better.  Looking back I see that all I needed was some love and to be comforted and reminded that it is not ok for someone to treat me that way.  I needed to know and be reassured in the cases where I did the right thing or if there was something I shouldn't have done.  What I really needed if nothing else at all was a simple hug. I wish I could hug little me.