Monday, June 20, 2011
Great blog
I just got into couponing. I have found many great blogs that I follow and use - but http://operation40k.blogspot.com/ is a great site to follow - especially for my Wisconsin local friends. She gives great ideas on how to save money. Realistic tips. Best of all - she's local so the deals are too! The great deals and coupon groupings for Copps/Roundy's/Pick N Save, Piggly Wiggly, Walgreens, Target, and Walmart too. Check her out!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Please come home for Christmas
When my posts are all up to date this will all make more sense.
I am still grieving over my oldest daughter moving away. It was a sudden move where she ran away and stayed away when she was 17. I wasn't prepared to lose her just yet. Had been planning our last year together. Was a sad day when she left and even though she'll be 19 in a little over a month, I still haven't gotten over that.
We talk to her now and then. Things have been strange between us all since she left. Conversations are few and far between. The kids miss her, I miss her, and her Daddy miss her. Her friends miss her, I guess you can say we all miss her. She is dear to my heart.
Christmas is particularly painful. Kasey has always been with us for Christmas. It doesn't seem right at all to have Christmas without her. Putting up the tree has a new empty feeling it never had before. You can't help but feel that something is missing. Well, not something, but someone... my daughter. It's just not right without her.
The possibility is here and we are excited that she may be coming to join us for Christmas. Of course like any mother would - I'd love it if she'd decide to stay here with us and not go back so far far away. So I was talking to my husband with my 2 other children age 5 and 8 in the back seat. I said to my husband, "I just have to be prepared for my heart to break again if she does come." My 8 year old said, "Yeah she already broke my heart when she left." Then the 5 year old said, "She broke my heart when she left too." Then the 8 year old concluded with, "Well not literally."
Really cheered up a gloomy thought!
I am still grieving over my oldest daughter moving away. It was a sudden move where she ran away and stayed away when she was 17. I wasn't prepared to lose her just yet. Had been planning our last year together. Was a sad day when she left and even though she'll be 19 in a little over a month, I still haven't gotten over that.
We talk to her now and then. Things have been strange between us all since she left. Conversations are few and far between. The kids miss her, I miss her, and her Daddy miss her. Her friends miss her, I guess you can say we all miss her. She is dear to my heart.
Christmas is particularly painful. Kasey has always been with us for Christmas. It doesn't seem right at all to have Christmas without her. Putting up the tree has a new empty feeling it never had before. You can't help but feel that something is missing. Well, not something, but someone... my daughter. It's just not right without her.
The possibility is here and we are excited that she may be coming to join us for Christmas. Of course like any mother would - I'd love it if she'd decide to stay here with us and not go back so far far away. So I was talking to my husband with my 2 other children age 5 and 8 in the back seat. I said to my husband, "I just have to be prepared for my heart to break again if she does come." My 8 year old said, "Yeah she already broke my heart when she left." Then the 5 year old said, "She broke my heart when she left too." Then the 8 year old concluded with, "Well not literally."
Really cheered up a gloomy thought!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday Fellowship
So my idea was to have everything in order for this blog - type in my history first then add in my current times. Since I started though my past memories haven't motivated me to write and I've missed many opportunities to tell my current events in waiting to get caught up - well I'm not waiting anymore. So please pardon my lack or order to these things.
Yesterday morning - Sunday, the Lord's day. I recently committed to helping our small church's children's program while the normal teacher is out to enjoy her new born son. I was excited to go and help out. I was to teach the children the new bible verse for the week. This would be my second week helping. Unlike last week, this week I was prepared. I made copies of the bible verse for all the kids, and read over the materials ahead of time. I was set and ready to help out.
The boys decided to join us in our bed. A habit they are now starting to get into once again. We've been enjoying peace without the issue for a while, but for some reason they have started again. Makes our bed really small and our sleep not so sound. My husband had a unsuccessful first round of hunting and had been up really early in the morning Saturday so he was beat. I had a long day with the kids and needed my good rest. I tried to sleep with them in bed with us with no luck. Our youngest loves to lay by me, which I love when I'm not super tired. He can be quite difficult to cuddle with at times. He is pretty demanding with wanting my arm here and his arm there and he just has to touch my ear lobes. Every time I fell asleep he woke me up. Finally the boys woke up and went downstairs to play or what ever. Ah, I can at least get a little more sleep before I start my day.
Our bedroom clock is broken. The alarms will continue to go off and there's no way to turn them off. Never had that issue with an alarm clock before, but yet I've never had an alarm clock that worked right either. Do they design them so people miss work? I really hate alarm clocks anyway. I have to say a perk to being a stay at home mom who homeschools is - no need for an alarm clock! Still Eric needs one for his work, which I can honestly say he hates it just as much as I do. We are using our cell phones in the meantime until we get our replacement.
Being over tired, and no kids in our bed we got a little more sleep. Eventually we were wakened by a request for chocolate milk. "OK go downstairs we'll be down in a minute." The kids were back downstairs. Wondering the time, and not having the phone upstairs we logged in to the computer. Our church worship service starts at 10:30 a.m. Computer loads and the desktop clock appears. "10:38?!" We were both pretty shocked. We never oversleep for church! Between the both of us we're usually up no later than 8:30 - 9 a.m. on Sundays! I don't know if we're just both over tired, the daylight savings is messing with us, or what is going on. Even the kids were up a little later than usual.
I had to forgive myself for letting down the church. There was another man there in charge of it who I new would take care of it all. I still felt so terrible since I had given my word to help. I really felt terrible all day.
Since we missed our regular church service we decided to fellowship with Eric's parents and have a little church service at their house. We had a delicious soup Eric's Italian step mother made. As we were sitting around the table, gathering for our dinner I suggested to my children that they ask their grandmother to teach them some Italian. I then said to Evi, Eric's step-mother, "How do you say soup in Italian?" My 3 year old replied from on my lap, "Soup in Italian!" Only 3 and he already knows everything! Gotta love it!
We had a wonderful meal together followed by singing, a short bible study, and worship for the Lord. I am not a coffee drinker but I had myself 2 1/2 cups worth - other half filled with raw organic milk and sugar. It did the trick and woke me right up. I don't know how I could have been so tired after all that sleep I got the night before.
It may have did the job of waking me up, but there's a reason I don't drink coffee. It really disagreed with my stomach. I was up all night having to pee. It was so strange. Then when that finally stopped I tried to go to bed. It was already like 1 a.m. I wanted to go to sleep so badly - but I couldn't fall asleep. I had the worst night sleep in a long time. Strange irritating feelings, strange dreams, and really terrible restless leg syndrome. No more coffee for me!
Boys joined me again about 4 a.m. after Eric woke up from work. Not so bad when Eric isn't in bed so there's the room but the boys move around so much and make so much noise. I don't know how I made it through today.
I was proud of my little guy for going to his school. He goes to Head start but doesn't always want to go. He actually "sort of" wanted to go today. I was very happy. It helps me focus on the other two for their homeschooling.
After dinner somehow I still had the ability to concentrate and made Megan a dress. I've had some old sheets we didn't need anymore. I took a fitted sheet - which was very hard to cut to size, and made a gathered dress for Megan that will match the one I made a couple of weeks ago for her American Girl doll. It is a spring or summer style dress so she will have to wait to wear it but she'll be happy to have it anyway. I'm just trying to get familiar with how to sew again and how to use my machine.
Megan's birthday was in September and we had a Little House on the Prairie party for her. I'll have to post another blog about that. Evi and I worked together and made Meg a pretty bonnet and matching apron. She got to use her Aunt Stephanie's dress she had from when she was a little girl. She reminded me more of Kerstin from American Girl books with the colors of her dress and apron. They came out adorable and looked precious on her!
I also started a pair of pajama pants for her early this fall. This past week I finally finished those. I don't know why I waited so long, I only had one hem to finish! They too were for Megan. I have some more material to make some for the boys. I'd better start making theirs before they feel left out.
I have been trying to reorganize things and declutter since... since.. well for as long as I can remember. I've been making progress on it little by little over the past several months. When doing the fall clean out I found a cute sleeping bag we had picked up for Megan at Goodwill a while ago. It looks like it was hand made. The material is so soft, and the fabric style reminds me of regular sheets, only pretty. The zipper was coming straight off it though which is why it was packed away and not being used. I set it aside telling myself that I'd better get on fixing it or else instead of fixing the clutter problem I'd be adding to it!
I also found a special sleeping bag to me. It is one my mother saved for me since I was a little baby. It is a little bigger than a baby size sleeping bag. The material on the outside is a soft satin with pink and blue elephants on it. As old as it is the material is starting to unravel and so it too was separating from the zipper. I new I needed to get that fixed, so that I set aside too, nagging myself at the same time.
A day or two later after another trip to a thrift store, I found the need to sew. I purchased a pair of pants at 1/2 price for Eric that were too short. I had to let the hem out and sew it up. So.. I did. I fixed his hem, finished Megan's pajama pants, and fixed both sleeping bags all in the same night. Eric had taken the kids to night church on his own for the Wednesday night kids club. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed back at home. It was wonderful to get stuff done, and stuff I wanted to get done not the normal, everyday chores. I even started working out a stain I later discovered on Megan's sleeping bag. I had forgotten all about the dark blue sharpie stain on it! It was such a shame. The colors in the fabric were so soft that the sharpie really stood out. I soaked it in some of my nature bright and shaklee laundry concentrate soap - and after soaking for a couple days it has completely faded!! In some areas you can still see a VERY faint blob, but you really have to look for it. I could have soaked it longer, but I just hope it will come out in the next wash. I'm just glad it's not so noticeable anymore!
That night since I was on my roll with the sewing machine I sat down and made Megan's doll her dress. I got the idea from some young lady who collects American Girls. She posts all sorts of you tube videos on things to do for the dolls and how to care for them. So I had full instructions on how to make the dress. Of course I messed up a little because I didn't watch it fresh before I started my project and I forgot a few steps - but I made it through the process! Yay!
In finishing her dress I decided to start working on her doll. She was in need of an extreme make-over. Megan has had her a year now and she's still pretty young and so therefore not all that great at the proper care for such toys. Her hair was pretty frizzy, matted, and had so many split ends. You could see longer hairs all through the bottom it was pretty nasty. So I followed some tips from the videos and her hair is shiny and flat now - no frizzies! Yay! My next project is to clean her skin!
As part of our fall cleaning I organized Megan's room. She now has a place for all of her toys, including special places for her American girl dolls and accessories. It looks too cute! I hope she now keeps up with it to keep her brother's out and the dogs!!
Yesterday morning - Sunday, the Lord's day. I recently committed to helping our small church's children's program while the normal teacher is out to enjoy her new born son. I was excited to go and help out. I was to teach the children the new bible verse for the week. This would be my second week helping. Unlike last week, this week I was prepared. I made copies of the bible verse for all the kids, and read over the materials ahead of time. I was set and ready to help out.
The boys decided to join us in our bed. A habit they are now starting to get into once again. We've been enjoying peace without the issue for a while, but for some reason they have started again. Makes our bed really small and our sleep not so sound. My husband had a unsuccessful first round of hunting and had been up really early in the morning Saturday so he was beat. I had a long day with the kids and needed my good rest. I tried to sleep with them in bed with us with no luck. Our youngest loves to lay by me, which I love when I'm not super tired. He can be quite difficult to cuddle with at times. He is pretty demanding with wanting my arm here and his arm there and he just has to touch my ear lobes. Every time I fell asleep he woke me up. Finally the boys woke up and went downstairs to play or what ever. Ah, I can at least get a little more sleep before I start my day.
Our bedroom clock is broken. The alarms will continue to go off and there's no way to turn them off. Never had that issue with an alarm clock before, but yet I've never had an alarm clock that worked right either. Do they design them so people miss work? I really hate alarm clocks anyway. I have to say a perk to being a stay at home mom who homeschools is - no need for an alarm clock! Still Eric needs one for his work, which I can honestly say he hates it just as much as I do. We are using our cell phones in the meantime until we get our replacement.
Being over tired, and no kids in our bed we got a little more sleep. Eventually we were wakened by a request for chocolate milk. "OK go downstairs we'll be down in a minute." The kids were back downstairs. Wondering the time, and not having the phone upstairs we logged in to the computer. Our church worship service starts at 10:30 a.m. Computer loads and the desktop clock appears. "10:38?!" We were both pretty shocked. We never oversleep for church! Between the both of us we're usually up no later than 8:30 - 9 a.m. on Sundays! I don't know if we're just both over tired, the daylight savings is messing with us, or what is going on. Even the kids were up a little later than usual.
I had to forgive myself for letting down the church. There was another man there in charge of it who I new would take care of it all. I still felt so terrible since I had given my word to help. I really felt terrible all day.
Since we missed our regular church service we decided to fellowship with Eric's parents and have a little church service at their house. We had a delicious soup Eric's Italian step mother made. As we were sitting around the table, gathering for our dinner I suggested to my children that they ask their grandmother to teach them some Italian. I then said to Evi, Eric's step-mother, "How do you say soup in Italian?" My 3 year old replied from on my lap, "Soup in Italian!" Only 3 and he already knows everything! Gotta love it!
We had a wonderful meal together followed by singing, a short bible study, and worship for the Lord. I am not a coffee drinker but I had myself 2 1/2 cups worth - other half filled with raw organic milk and sugar. It did the trick and woke me right up. I don't know how I could have been so tired after all that sleep I got the night before.
It may have did the job of waking me up, but there's a reason I don't drink coffee. It really disagreed with my stomach. I was up all night having to pee. It was so strange. Then when that finally stopped I tried to go to bed. It was already like 1 a.m. I wanted to go to sleep so badly - but I couldn't fall asleep. I had the worst night sleep in a long time. Strange irritating feelings, strange dreams, and really terrible restless leg syndrome. No more coffee for me!
Boys joined me again about 4 a.m. after Eric woke up from work. Not so bad when Eric isn't in bed so there's the room but the boys move around so much and make so much noise. I don't know how I made it through today.
I was proud of my little guy for going to his school. He goes to Head start but doesn't always want to go. He actually "sort of" wanted to go today. I was very happy. It helps me focus on the other two for their homeschooling.
After dinner somehow I still had the ability to concentrate and made Megan a dress. I've had some old sheets we didn't need anymore. I took a fitted sheet - which was very hard to cut to size, and made a gathered dress for Megan that will match the one I made a couple of weeks ago for her American Girl doll. It is a spring or summer style dress so she will have to wait to wear it but she'll be happy to have it anyway. I'm just trying to get familiar with how to sew again and how to use my machine.
Megan's birthday was in September and we had a Little House on the Prairie party for her. I'll have to post another blog about that. Evi and I worked together and made Meg a pretty bonnet and matching apron. She got to use her Aunt Stephanie's dress she had from when she was a little girl. She reminded me more of Kerstin from American Girl books with the colors of her dress and apron. They came out adorable and looked precious on her!
I also started a pair of pajama pants for her early this fall. This past week I finally finished those. I don't know why I waited so long, I only had one hem to finish! They too were for Megan. I have some more material to make some for the boys. I'd better start making theirs before they feel left out.
I have been trying to reorganize things and declutter since... since.. well for as long as I can remember. I've been making progress on it little by little over the past several months. When doing the fall clean out I found a cute sleeping bag we had picked up for Megan at Goodwill a while ago. It looks like it was hand made. The material is so soft, and the fabric style reminds me of regular sheets, only pretty. The zipper was coming straight off it though which is why it was packed away and not being used. I set it aside telling myself that I'd better get on fixing it or else instead of fixing the clutter problem I'd be adding to it!
I also found a special sleeping bag to me. It is one my mother saved for me since I was a little baby. It is a little bigger than a baby size sleeping bag. The material on the outside is a soft satin with pink and blue elephants on it. As old as it is the material is starting to unravel and so it too was separating from the zipper. I new I needed to get that fixed, so that I set aside too, nagging myself at the same time.
A day or two later after another trip to a thrift store, I found the need to sew. I purchased a pair of pants at 1/2 price for Eric that were too short. I had to let the hem out and sew it up. So.. I did. I fixed his hem, finished Megan's pajama pants, and fixed both sleeping bags all in the same night. Eric had taken the kids to night church on his own for the Wednesday night kids club. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed back at home. It was wonderful to get stuff done, and stuff I wanted to get done not the normal, everyday chores. I even started working out a stain I later discovered on Megan's sleeping bag. I had forgotten all about the dark blue sharpie stain on it! It was such a shame. The colors in the fabric were so soft that the sharpie really stood out. I soaked it in some of my nature bright and shaklee laundry concentrate soap - and after soaking for a couple days it has completely faded!! In some areas you can still see a VERY faint blob, but you really have to look for it. I could have soaked it longer, but I just hope it will come out in the next wash. I'm just glad it's not so noticeable anymore!
That night since I was on my roll with the sewing machine I sat down and made Megan's doll her dress. I got the idea from some young lady who collects American Girls. She posts all sorts of you tube videos on things to do for the dolls and how to care for them. So I had full instructions on how to make the dress. Of course I messed up a little because I didn't watch it fresh before I started my project and I forgot a few steps - but I made it through the process! Yay!
In finishing her dress I decided to start working on her doll. She was in need of an extreme make-over. Megan has had her a year now and she's still pretty young and so therefore not all that great at the proper care for such toys. Her hair was pretty frizzy, matted, and had so many split ends. You could see longer hairs all through the bottom it was pretty nasty. So I followed some tips from the videos and her hair is shiny and flat now - no frizzies! Yay! My next project is to clean her skin!
As part of our fall cleaning I organized Megan's room. She now has a place for all of her toys, including special places for her American girl dolls and accessories. It looks too cute! I hope she now keeps up with it to keep her brother's out and the dogs!!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
A little wisdom from finding nemo
As I laid awake in bed last night trying to fall asleep, I began hearing the voice of a cute character known very well in my home. Some wisdom came to me from that cute blue fish Dori. You may remember the scene. Marlin, a clown fish looking desperately for his lost son is friends with this forgetful blue fish. He is upset at himself and proclaims to her that he had promised he'd never let anything happen to his son and he failed. Dori, who is not known in the film for her wisdom was right on with her response. She told him it was pretty sad to try to not let anything happen to him because, how would anything happen to him?
I thought about this for quite sometime last night. Really there is a lot of wisdom to this thought.
My family and I have been going through some trials over the last couple of months. I've been learning myself first hand that life is in fact a roller coaster. The highs never last and neither do the lows. We always wish the happy times would last forever, and the bad times can't escape us fast enough.
The past year for us the roller coaster ride has been a very emotional one. Hurtful things being said. Family rolling in and out of our lives. Our teenage daughter unexpectedly running away and not coming back. My husband got laid off from work. Everyone wants money from us that we don't have. Trying to stay on the same page as husband and wife. Trying to hold ourselves together for our kids. Health issues for our children. Crying inside over family members and their personal problems. Wanting more in life but everything being just beyond our grasp. I am being vague but I think you get the gist.
The past 2 months we got hit with some more hits. One a person wanting money we already paid from 8 years ago in the amount of over eight thousand dollars. This person was pretty malicious in waiting past 8 years and must have known that we can't get proof. Our bank doesn't have to keep records past 7 years by law. Then we have another bill for just under $3000 that isn't our bill as well. A new job is a blessing but a stress as well. My home based business will not work with the new schedule. It is causing a total change in our household. My youngest son is having a medical issue and the doctors have me frustrated with their lack of cooperation or concern. Our van broke down. Our dryer is broke. For some reason among all of this - I decided to help out some friends and puppy sit. Oh yeah, I bit of way more than I can chew.
In my wallowing in self pity, to which I am very good at by the way. I think of the story of Job in the bible. All he had to suffer through and endure. Looking at my little life and it puts my silly little problems into perspective. It makes me feel foolish to get so stressed out and sad over such silly things. I have so much to be thankful for. Why I don't take more time to appreciate all the good that I have, I just don't know. Job lost everything he owned, his family, his children, and everything he held dear to him. Yet his response to it all was, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
I've wondered a lot in the past and even lately, why the Lord would put me through this suffering when he could easily make it all go away. Even more, I wondered why the Lord would make Job suffer as he did. After all, Job did lose a lot more than I ever did.
I don't believe that God is the source for any evil. I do believe he can turn bad things into good, or use a bad situation for a benefit of some kind. Weather it be to glorify His name, or to benefit and bless someone in their time of need. I do believe that evil, and that also means grief and pain come from Satan. This same way though God is the infinite. His powers are over all. In other words, he can at any time trump Satan and stop him in his tracks. So, in a way he does allow the evil to happen. This brings me a little back to the lesson from Dori. As I think about why God would let this happen to me, or Job and I think about Dori and her words of wisdom it becomes a little clearer to me. God can't stop things from happening to us. If he did, then nothing would ever happen to us. We'd never learn anything, we'd never grow, and without trials we'd never fully appreciate those joyful times that are so precious.
It is easy to be joyful when things are great. It is easy to show love to all, to praise the Lord for all the blessings we have. The real test comes when these hard times hit us. How then do we treat the ones we love? How then do we praise the Lord?
I thought about this for quite sometime last night. Really there is a lot of wisdom to this thought.
My family and I have been going through some trials over the last couple of months. I've been learning myself first hand that life is in fact a roller coaster. The highs never last and neither do the lows. We always wish the happy times would last forever, and the bad times can't escape us fast enough.
The past year for us the roller coaster ride has been a very emotional one. Hurtful things being said. Family rolling in and out of our lives. Our teenage daughter unexpectedly running away and not coming back. My husband got laid off from work. Everyone wants money from us that we don't have. Trying to stay on the same page as husband and wife. Trying to hold ourselves together for our kids. Health issues for our children. Crying inside over family members and their personal problems. Wanting more in life but everything being just beyond our grasp. I am being vague but I think you get the gist.
The past 2 months we got hit with some more hits. One a person wanting money we already paid from 8 years ago in the amount of over eight thousand dollars. This person was pretty malicious in waiting past 8 years and must have known that we can't get proof. Our bank doesn't have to keep records past 7 years by law. Then we have another bill for just under $3000 that isn't our bill as well. A new job is a blessing but a stress as well. My home based business will not work with the new schedule. It is causing a total change in our household. My youngest son is having a medical issue and the doctors have me frustrated with their lack of cooperation or concern. Our van broke down. Our dryer is broke. For some reason among all of this - I decided to help out some friends and puppy sit. Oh yeah, I bit of way more than I can chew.
In my wallowing in self pity, to which I am very good at by the way. I think of the story of Job in the bible. All he had to suffer through and endure. Looking at my little life and it puts my silly little problems into perspective. It makes me feel foolish to get so stressed out and sad over such silly things. I have so much to be thankful for. Why I don't take more time to appreciate all the good that I have, I just don't know. Job lost everything he owned, his family, his children, and everything he held dear to him. Yet his response to it all was, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
I've wondered a lot in the past and even lately, why the Lord would put me through this suffering when he could easily make it all go away. Even more, I wondered why the Lord would make Job suffer as he did. After all, Job did lose a lot more than I ever did.
I don't believe that God is the source for any evil. I do believe he can turn bad things into good, or use a bad situation for a benefit of some kind. Weather it be to glorify His name, or to benefit and bless someone in their time of need. I do believe that evil, and that also means grief and pain come from Satan. This same way though God is the infinite. His powers are over all. In other words, he can at any time trump Satan and stop him in his tracks. So, in a way he does allow the evil to happen. This brings me a little back to the lesson from Dori. As I think about why God would let this happen to me, or Job and I think about Dori and her words of wisdom it becomes a little clearer to me. God can't stop things from happening to us. If he did, then nothing would ever happen to us. We'd never learn anything, we'd never grow, and without trials we'd never fully appreciate those joyful times that are so precious.
It is easy to be joyful when things are great. It is easy to show love to all, to praise the Lord for all the blessings we have. The real test comes when these hard times hit us. How then do we treat the ones we love? How then do we praise the Lord?
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Broken Dreams and schooling your children
Found this poem today.
Broken Dreams - written August 9, 1994
age 16
I used to often wish for a man to come into my life
Who'd sweep me off my feet, and I'd become his wife
We'd adventurous things time and time again
By the time one would end, the next was ready to begin
At romantic times he'd whisper softly in my ear
how much he really loves me the words I always love to hear
We'd have a happy family, in a happy home
A daughter, a son, and a dog chewing on his bone
This wish is slowly fading, fading far away
it's fading from the hurt inside that grows stronger everyday.
Now I no longer have fantasies of how it should be
Instead I think of how badly he would hurt me
he'd take my heart and use it to fill all of his desires
On my heart would be skid marks left there by his tires
he'd use me for everything; sex, money, and more
As soon as I say "I love you" he'll treat me like a whore.
he'd leave me the second times would ever get rough.
Or else he'd cheat on me, after all I shouldn't mind that stuff
As much as I love him, he'll never return love to me.
He'd say it all the time however even while on his knees.
He'd beg me never to leave him, he'd beat me if i did.
Please baby don't go, he'd say - You're going to have my kid.
He thinks I can't live without him, but if he's gone I'm better off.
Then I wouldn't be afraid of when he gets mad and blows his top.
So when it comes to having a boyfriend I think I'd rather pass.
All they really are is a big pain in the @#$.
so I think I'll enjoy the single life for a while.
Hey, at least I'll know I'll be doing it with a smile.
__________________________________________________________
In reading this in my own hand writing - on the original paper from when I was just a kid, and such a different person than I am today - I find myself with many different thoughts and emotions. I do welcome yours readers. Please feel free to share.
I know I am the author of this poem but as I sit and read it, it is as though I am reading the writings of a stranger. A completely different person. It is amazing how we grow up and grow and change. Our appearance changes as we age and mature, but the composition of our thoughts, our dreams, our hopes, it all changes as well. Even shown here as my outlook on life.
I was going through a really rough period in my life, one that I really haven't got to yet on this blog. It was written when I was about 16 - and that just seems to be enough to be depressed - especially in today's society.
I think back to the pressures I had on me. In school, at home, socially, educationally, sexually, and more. Constantly trying to measure up. Thinking I wanted to stand out - as the top dog - but at the same time just desperate to fit in with everyone else. Wanting to have friends, wanting to be loved. No wait NEEDING to be loved. Needing to feel worthy of being in this world.
I find it so sad that kids are so mean to each other. Why? I don't understand what school has become.
As an adult I know have children of my own. I can't help but want them to be respected themselves but to also treat others with love and respect. I want them to have the best in life, education, experience, skills, religion, and above all things love.
Myself I want to start homeschooling my kids. I always new it was something I would do eventually anyway. My kids are now 3, 5, and 7 almost 8. I also have a 18 year old step-daughter that we home schooled after grade 7.
The funny thing is the very first reaction a main stream - public school world response is always "but how will your child be socialized" or some form of that exact sentence.
My question to you then is.... do WE tax payers pay the school to socialize our children? What is the purpose of public schools?
In my opinion it is to simply educate our children. Not in religion but in Mathematics, science, history and such. Which lately they are not doing a great job of. Very unsettling to know that they are even now as you read this changing the very words in the history books and taking things OUT of the history books that they just do not feel is necessary - or is politically correct. Sorry honey's but our history is just NOT politically correct and as they always say "those who do not learn history are doomed (yes DOOMED) to repeat it." Well, who cares about that, let's just try to erase history. C'mon.
Sorry I digress. Where was I?
Ok so the school's job is to educate our children. You already know I don't think they are doing a good job at that - but that is besides the point.
If you are one who believes that the tax payers should pay not only to educate the children of this country - but also to provide them with a social arena to make friends - first of all I think that is absolutely crazy. Why should I pay a portion of my hard earned money for kids to "make friends?" Take your kids to play groups and YOU pay for them to join in activities to make friends and be social. Give me a break.
Second - IF it is the schools "JOB" to socialize our children - aren't they failing TERRIBLY?? I know it's been worse lately - but it's been on a downward spiral for years.
The movie "Mean Girls" is just one quick glimpse into how well that public school socialization is going. Bullying, peer pressure, hazing, and pushing children past their limits. Being a kid, tween, and teen is hard enough with all the emotions involved and learning who you are, what your morals will be, and what your place in this world is. It only makes it harder, not easier - when you have their peers pushing them to do things they don't want to do. What happens is these children learn the wrong answers to important life questions based on all these bad experiences. Growing through all this they grow further and further from their parents. Stop going to grown ups who have been around the world long enough to know better for advice, and start going to Miz Queen Bee - who will give you bad advice on purpose just to laugh at the outcome.
I am not saying that my life was exactly like that - I think that in this current day it is much much harder to be a kid in school then back when I was there. It was bad enough back then. Reading my dark, dismal, and even "emo" poem I can remember how rough it was for me. Again I am off topic.
My point I'm trying to make is.... school isn't, wasn't, and never has been a great place for children to socialize. Yes if you ask a kid if they like school, a likely answer would be, "I guess I get to see my friends there." Or something like that. I challenge you to think harder - that is NOT why they go. Beyond that - if you're the parent and you get that response - WHO are these friends? Are they friends that YOU want your child to be like? Are they true friends to your child who share the same values as you'd like your child to have? If so - great. If not ....makes you think about it a little more doesn't it?
How about the kids at the bus stop, on the bus, in the classes, and in the lunch room? Do you like their values? Their morals? Would you like to see your child dress, talk, or act like him or her? What about the teachers? All of them. They ALL have influence over your child. You send your child to school for 7 hours or more each day 5 days a week, plus bus ride time and any extra curricular activities. That is at a minimum of 35 hours a week. These people have 35 hours to attract your child and rub their behavior off onto him or her. 35 hours to talk to your child about their views on sexuality, ways to dress, ways to act, parties to go to, and other issues. 35 hours to talk them out of whatever values and morals you are trying to instill in your child. I'll tell you what.... THEY DO!! Sad thing is, many times, it works!!
Oh but my kids a great kid, that would never happen to him/her. You are WRONG and having unrealistic expectations of your child will set them up for failure!!
Oh my kid is such a wonderful kid. These other kids - they need help. He/She helps the other kids, if he/she didn't who else would they go to. - Great I am glad you have such a wonderful heart for these poor kids who are lead astray and have no positive influences in their life. Be careful. You don't want to feed your little sheep to the wolves. It is sad that these kids are out there with no where to go and no positive influences in their lives. You just have to expect a LOT out of your kid to think they can pull someone single handedly out of the trenches. That person has to want a better life. Your child may think they have what it takes and sincerely want to help these other kids. You've just got to remember your child is a child. You've been there. Try to remember how the food chain works. The pressures are bigger than your darling sheep will ever know until it is too late. It is just too hard.
I am not saying at all that if you decide to put your kids into public school you are bad and wrong. I am sorry if it comes across that way. IF you do chose public school though - realize that it is a very horrible scary place for kids to be in and don't ever take that for granted! It means that whatever morals and values you want your children to have - you need to work THAT MUCH HARDER to instill it in him or her. You WILL feel like a broken record. Don't get discouraged. Your son or daughter needs you to be as strong as you want her to be in fighting those wolves. Your kind words, your reminders of the strong man/woman you want him or her to become - is so important.
What I have been trying to say is, when you know someone is homeschooling don't look at that child as "unsocialized" but as loved. Yes there are some bad parenting that goes on with SOME home schooling homes.... there's probably even more (because more kids are public schooled) bad parenting that goes on with your child's fellow students in public school as well. None of us have it 100% perfect. I wish I new how to do that. Homeschooling is a great option to give your child quality education. You can still provide socialization. You have more opportunities for real world, real life training for your child. You have the power of influence over your child as far as morals and values (which is great so long as the parents have good morals and values themselves and are not hypocrites).
I have to put this topic to rest for a moment. I have things that just have to get done around here. Please feel free to publish your own comments and let me know what you think - on anything written so far.
Broken Dreams - written August 9, 1994
age 16
I used to often wish for a man to come into my life
Who'd sweep me off my feet, and I'd become his wife
We'd adventurous things time and time again
By the time one would end, the next was ready to begin
At romantic times he'd whisper softly in my ear
how much he really loves me the words I always love to hear
We'd have a happy family, in a happy home
A daughter, a son, and a dog chewing on his bone
This wish is slowly fading, fading far away
it's fading from the hurt inside that grows stronger everyday.
Now I no longer have fantasies of how it should be
Instead I think of how badly he would hurt me
he'd take my heart and use it to fill all of his desires
On my heart would be skid marks left there by his tires
he'd use me for everything; sex, money, and more
As soon as I say "I love you" he'll treat me like a whore.
he'd leave me the second times would ever get rough.
Or else he'd cheat on me, after all I shouldn't mind that stuff
As much as I love him, he'll never return love to me.
He'd say it all the time however even while on his knees.
He'd beg me never to leave him, he'd beat me if i did.
Please baby don't go, he'd say - You're going to have my kid.
He thinks I can't live without him, but if he's gone I'm better off.
Then I wouldn't be afraid of when he gets mad and blows his top.
So when it comes to having a boyfriend I think I'd rather pass.
All they really are is a big pain in the @#$.
so I think I'll enjoy the single life for a while.
Hey, at least I'll know I'll be doing it with a smile.
__________________________________________________________
In reading this in my own hand writing - on the original paper from when I was just a kid, and such a different person than I am today - I find myself with many different thoughts and emotions. I do welcome yours readers. Please feel free to share.
I know I am the author of this poem but as I sit and read it, it is as though I am reading the writings of a stranger. A completely different person. It is amazing how we grow up and grow and change. Our appearance changes as we age and mature, but the composition of our thoughts, our dreams, our hopes, it all changes as well. Even shown here as my outlook on life.
I was going through a really rough period in my life, one that I really haven't got to yet on this blog. It was written when I was about 16 - and that just seems to be enough to be depressed - especially in today's society.
I think back to the pressures I had on me. In school, at home, socially, educationally, sexually, and more. Constantly trying to measure up. Thinking I wanted to stand out - as the top dog - but at the same time just desperate to fit in with everyone else. Wanting to have friends, wanting to be loved. No wait NEEDING to be loved. Needing to feel worthy of being in this world.
I find it so sad that kids are so mean to each other. Why? I don't understand what school has become.
As an adult I know have children of my own. I can't help but want them to be respected themselves but to also treat others with love and respect. I want them to have the best in life, education, experience, skills, religion, and above all things love.
Myself I want to start homeschooling my kids. I always new it was something I would do eventually anyway. My kids are now 3, 5, and 7 almost 8. I also have a 18 year old step-daughter that we home schooled after grade 7.
The funny thing is the very first reaction a main stream - public school world response is always "but how will your child be socialized" or some form of that exact sentence.
My question to you then is.... do WE tax payers pay the school to socialize our children? What is the purpose of public schools?
In my opinion it is to simply educate our children. Not in religion but in Mathematics, science, history and such. Which lately they are not doing a great job of. Very unsettling to know that they are even now as you read this changing the very words in the history books and taking things OUT of the history books that they just do not feel is necessary - or is politically correct. Sorry honey's but our history is just NOT politically correct and as they always say "those who do not learn history are doomed (yes DOOMED) to repeat it." Well, who cares about that, let's just try to erase history. C'mon.
Sorry I digress. Where was I?
Ok so the school's job is to educate our children. You already know I don't think they are doing a good job at that - but that is besides the point.
If you are one who believes that the tax payers should pay not only to educate the children of this country - but also to provide them with a social arena to make friends - first of all I think that is absolutely crazy. Why should I pay a portion of my hard earned money for kids to "make friends?" Take your kids to play groups and YOU pay for them to join in activities to make friends and be social. Give me a break.
Second - IF it is the schools "JOB" to socialize our children - aren't they failing TERRIBLY?? I know it's been worse lately - but it's been on a downward spiral for years.
The movie "Mean Girls" is just one quick glimpse into how well that public school socialization is going. Bullying, peer pressure, hazing, and pushing children past their limits. Being a kid, tween, and teen is hard enough with all the emotions involved and learning who you are, what your morals will be, and what your place in this world is. It only makes it harder, not easier - when you have their peers pushing them to do things they don't want to do. What happens is these children learn the wrong answers to important life questions based on all these bad experiences. Growing through all this they grow further and further from their parents. Stop going to grown ups who have been around the world long enough to know better for advice, and start going to Miz Queen Bee - who will give you bad advice on purpose just to laugh at the outcome.
I am not saying that my life was exactly like that - I think that in this current day it is much much harder to be a kid in school then back when I was there. It was bad enough back then. Reading my dark, dismal, and even "emo" poem I can remember how rough it was for me. Again I am off topic.
My point I'm trying to make is.... school isn't, wasn't, and never has been a great place for children to socialize. Yes if you ask a kid if they like school, a likely answer would be, "I guess I get to see my friends there." Or something like that. I challenge you to think harder - that is NOT why they go. Beyond that - if you're the parent and you get that response - WHO are these friends? Are they friends that YOU want your child to be like? Are they true friends to your child who share the same values as you'd like your child to have? If so - great. If not ....makes you think about it a little more doesn't it?
How about the kids at the bus stop, on the bus, in the classes, and in the lunch room? Do you like their values? Their morals? Would you like to see your child dress, talk, or act like him or her? What about the teachers? All of them. They ALL have influence over your child. You send your child to school for 7 hours or more each day 5 days a week, plus bus ride time and any extra curricular activities. That is at a minimum of 35 hours a week. These people have 35 hours to attract your child and rub their behavior off onto him or her. 35 hours to talk to your child about their views on sexuality, ways to dress, ways to act, parties to go to, and other issues. 35 hours to talk them out of whatever values and morals you are trying to instill in your child. I'll tell you what.... THEY DO!! Sad thing is, many times, it works!!
Oh but my kids a great kid, that would never happen to him/her. You are WRONG and having unrealistic expectations of your child will set them up for failure!!
Oh my kid is such a wonderful kid. These other kids - they need help. He/She helps the other kids, if he/she didn't who else would they go to. - Great I am glad you have such a wonderful heart for these poor kids who are lead astray and have no positive influences in their life. Be careful. You don't want to feed your little sheep to the wolves. It is sad that these kids are out there with no where to go and no positive influences in their lives. You just have to expect a LOT out of your kid to think they can pull someone single handedly out of the trenches. That person has to want a better life. Your child may think they have what it takes and sincerely want to help these other kids. You've just got to remember your child is a child. You've been there. Try to remember how the food chain works. The pressures are bigger than your darling sheep will ever know until it is too late. It is just too hard.
I am not saying at all that if you decide to put your kids into public school you are bad and wrong. I am sorry if it comes across that way. IF you do chose public school though - realize that it is a very horrible scary place for kids to be in and don't ever take that for granted! It means that whatever morals and values you want your children to have - you need to work THAT MUCH HARDER to instill it in him or her. You WILL feel like a broken record. Don't get discouraged. Your son or daughter needs you to be as strong as you want her to be in fighting those wolves. Your kind words, your reminders of the strong man/woman you want him or her to become - is so important.
What I have been trying to say is, when you know someone is homeschooling don't look at that child as "unsocialized" but as loved. Yes there are some bad parenting that goes on with SOME home schooling homes.... there's probably even more (because more kids are public schooled) bad parenting that goes on with your child's fellow students in public school as well. None of us have it 100% perfect. I wish I new how to do that. Homeschooling is a great option to give your child quality education. You can still provide socialization. You have more opportunities for real world, real life training for your child. You have the power of influence over your child as far as morals and values (which is great so long as the parents have good morals and values themselves and are not hypocrites).
I have to put this topic to rest for a moment. I have things that just have to get done around here. Please feel free to publish your own comments and let me know what you think - on anything written so far.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friendships
It is sad to think of all the memories in my past that I don't have. Have you ever thought about the missing memories in your life? Well, I have. Particularly when I've run into old friends and we start to take a trip down memory lane. It always comes about where someone might say something like, "Hey, remember that time when we took off all our clothes and danced in the rain and we got caught by the police and ...." OK OK relax - that was not a true example. Ha, had you going there didn't I! Seriously though I've gotten thrown off my horse as dear friends of mine have told this heart felt memory to me of theirs and I just sit with my eyes glazed over at what a great time that must have been and wishing for the life of me that I could remember. Then, what do you say to your friend? Of course you COULD just tell the truth and say, "Oh man, sounds like fun but I have no idea what on earth you are talking about." My gosh that sounds rude. Honestly there's no polite way to say you don't remember. In my past I shared some special days, special moments, and fun times with these dear friends, and those times have been forgotten. How do you tell someone you forgot? It is so sad. I wish I could relive a lot of my days. I know some would not be worth reliving, but I do wish I could. Even if I couldn't change a thing. Life goes by way too fast. I wonder if when we die, our entire life really does "flash before our eyes" like a long rerun.
Here's some of what I do remember about a few of my dear friends.
The first friend I remember having was Marie White. She was in my first grade class and we were also in brownies together. She had a way of standing out from the others. If I remember right, she had a way of getting herself in trouble in class from time to time. We both proudly wore our Brownie Girl Scout Troop 24 uniforms to school on the days of our meetings. We marched in parades, went camping, and even made home made applesauce. I wish I remember more about brownies.
I remember when Marie first asked me to "sleep over" her house. I was confused. I was in first grade and I had no idea what a sleep over was!! Isn't that crazy! Marie loved her scary movies. She loved when I slept over and we'd watch movies. She'd enjoy freaking me out too.
We moved around a bit and I met some kids from time to time. When I was 9 years old we moved to Fairhaven. That is where I consider my home town to be. That is where most of my memories really began.
The day we moved in I slammed my hand in a car door and cried for a while. I couldn't milk it though, it was too exciting. I loved the house, loved my room, and best of all IT HAD A POOL!! I was pretty anxious to meet some new friends. My mother had told me, "There's a girl your age that lives 2 houses down from us." You know how parents are always trying to help. It was summertime, I had almost wished school was still on. How much easier it would be to make some friends if only we were in school.
After lots of encouragement and even prodding by my mother, I finally decided to humiliate myself by knocking on some strange girls door, introducing myself, and asking if she wanted to play. What a terrible thing to make a child do! LOL.
The first time I made my way to Bethany's house I brought along my basket ball. I dribbled my way down the street and passed the boys house. Yeah I'll just call it "the boys." It was a house filled with boys! The family had only boys and 4 of them. Ranging from 8 to about 13 or so. The youngest of which was standing in the driveway as I dribbled past. I was a terrible dribbler. Down the street, dribbling the ball, ball bouncing into the grass, retrieve the ball, and repeat past the boys house and up the driveway to Bethany's house. "Sorry Bethany isn't home right now, but I'll tell her you came by." OUCH, all that nerve I had to drum up to get to that door and she wasn't even home! My heart still thumping as a result of the nerves, I headed back home.
The youngest neighbor boy stopped me along the way. I don't remember our exact conversation but that is when we met. His name was David, and he became a very close and dear friend to me from then on. He was so sweet, so cute, and so much fun to play with. He was always my favorite of all the "boys" although I don't think I ever told him so. We played almost every day. Sometimes with the other neighborhood kids, and other times just the two of us. He was one of my best friends. Some of my sweetest childhood memories are playing with David back in the good old days. He always stood up for me, even though he was the youngest he'd stand up to the bigger boys. They were all older, bigger, and he was grossly outnumbered. Yet still he always managed to stick up for me. He got picked on for it, but he did it anyway. This wasn't just up against his 3 brothers either, but there were other boys in the neighborhood too. I know I was a good friend to him, but he was just a great friend and a great kid. He just knew what was right and stood up for it. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. As I got older, the hazing sometimes got worse. Even in really difficult situations, David still stuck by me and risked his own humiliation just to help me out.
Boys can be disgusting boys and think things are funny when they are not. They don't always know where to draw the line. One time my best friend Kerri and I were laying in a bedroom at her grandmother's house which was across the street from my house. No adults were home. We were using her Dad's sun lamp and trying to get a tan. I don't remember if we were in our underwear or a bathing suit - but it wasn't much. Well it wasn't long and the boys found out. Kerri was lucky when it came to being picked on by the boys. She had a big brother. Basically they all new better than to mess with her. Myself, I was on my own. I was also a VERY early bloomer. Had boobs before I new what to do with them. Didn't know how to act about them, or what to do about the attention they caused. Too naive to even know they caused such a problem. So the cat was out of the bag that Kerri and I were sunbathing in the bedroom. The boys yanked Kerri out of the room and locked me in with one boy at a time. I am not sure what each of them wanted for sure. They weren't bad kids really - just dumb boys. They did try to take my clothes off but no one succeeded at doing anything. Although they may have caught a glimpse of my boob or a feel here and there. I was fighting them off. I tried to get out, but the other boys would hold the door shut. It was really terrible. I don't know why they thought that was so funny. David convinced them that he wanted to give it a try. So they let him in. That boy was my hero. Trying to help me out. I was able to get the rest of my clothes on. I couldn't get out the window because the bedroom was too high. I don't know how we pulled it off but I remember I did get out. He probably got beat up for it. I loved David so much for things like that. He was a true friend. I am really sad that I lost touch with him over the years. Friends like that just don't come around often. It is sad for me that he is not still a part of my life. Not romantically of course, but as still the dear friend he was.
Sadly, we all got older and grew our separate ways. I got a dumb boyfriend. Like seriously, what the heck was I thinking!?!? I went to the vocational school in New Bedford. David went to Fairhaven High, and I really didn't see much of him after that. I always remembered our days together though. Swimming in the pool, playing games, house, and even barbies. David, Kerri, and I would get into these imaginary exploring games in the woods. We'd find forts and club houses, reenact movies and tv shows like Star Wars and Punky Brewster. When all the neighborhood kids were out we'd have fun with games of man hunt. What a blast! We'd also play war and other things too.
I'd love to relive those days again......
I am so thankful that Kerri went to Voc with me. I wished we'd be in the same classes, but she was on the opposite schedule and she was interested in cosmetology. I was interested in the medical program. We both went out for the cheerleading squad when we were entering in 9th grade. I think Kerri tried out just to be with me. She really didn't seem like she really wanted it, you know what I mean? She was embarrassed at the try out and kept laughing. She didn't end up making the team but I did. I was so sad, it wouldn't be the same without her. I wonder if she even really wanted to make the team. She ended up playing volley ball and I think basket ball. I think that is where her heart truly was.
When we were still in middle school Kerri and I both tried out for the St Josephs squad. We heard about some cheer camp for the weekend that was held at St Joseph's School. There was a fee for the weekend clinic, we both got excited and signed up. After the clinic we found out that the tryouts were starting. We learned that even though we didn't go to the school we were still allowed to try out for the team. We were so excited!! It was like a week long process. They cut girls out every day. We made it at least half way through the week. We were having so much fun, and the excitement was building up more and more as we passed each cut. Every day the same thing would go through our minds, and we'd ask each other on the way to try outs "Do you think we're going to make it?"
Out of nowhere I was attacked. No not physically but with words. St Joseph's as you might have guessed was a Catholic school. I was approached, I am not sure how they new. I guess it is quite possible that a jealous girl was trying to get rid of some of the competition like a scene from the movie " Mean girls." The truth is, and I am proud to say it since it is no secret, I am not Catholic. I am Christian, but not Catholic. Well it turns out that the Catholic school was allowed to discriminate based on your religious views. I was told that since I was not a student of St Joseph's and I was not Catholic, that I was not allowed to be on the team. I was completely crushed. Tears, sobbing, the 9 yards of it. The next day was the final cut. I had made it so far! How unfair!! Kerri was such a great friend that even though she was Catholic, she decided to drop out too. I encouraged her to go on, I wanted her to. She was just so upset at how unfair it was, and was so disappointed her best friend wouldn't get to be with her on the team that she dropped out. What a friend!! Makes me sad that I didn't drop out of high school cheering for her too. Maybe I should have.
Here's some of what I do remember about a few of my dear friends.
The first friend I remember having was Marie White. She was in my first grade class and we were also in brownies together. She had a way of standing out from the others. If I remember right, she had a way of getting herself in trouble in class from time to time. We both proudly wore our Brownie Girl Scout Troop 24 uniforms to school on the days of our meetings. We marched in parades, went camping, and even made home made applesauce. I wish I remember more about brownies.
I remember when Marie first asked me to "sleep over" her house. I was confused. I was in first grade and I had no idea what a sleep over was!! Isn't that crazy! Marie loved her scary movies. She loved when I slept over and we'd watch movies. She'd enjoy freaking me out too.
We moved around a bit and I met some kids from time to time. When I was 9 years old we moved to Fairhaven. That is where I consider my home town to be. That is where most of my memories really began.
The day we moved in I slammed my hand in a car door and cried for a while. I couldn't milk it though, it was too exciting. I loved the house, loved my room, and best of all IT HAD A POOL!! I was pretty anxious to meet some new friends. My mother had told me, "There's a girl your age that lives 2 houses down from us." You know how parents are always trying to help. It was summertime, I had almost wished school was still on. How much easier it would be to make some friends if only we were in school.
After lots of encouragement and even prodding by my mother, I finally decided to humiliate myself by knocking on some strange girls door, introducing myself, and asking if she wanted to play. What a terrible thing to make a child do! LOL.
The first time I made my way to Bethany's house I brought along my basket ball. I dribbled my way down the street and passed the boys house. Yeah I'll just call it "the boys." It was a house filled with boys! The family had only boys and 4 of them. Ranging from 8 to about 13 or so. The youngest of which was standing in the driveway as I dribbled past. I was a terrible dribbler. Down the street, dribbling the ball, ball bouncing into the grass, retrieve the ball, and repeat past the boys house and up the driveway to Bethany's house. "Sorry Bethany isn't home right now, but I'll tell her you came by." OUCH, all that nerve I had to drum up to get to that door and she wasn't even home! My heart still thumping as a result of the nerves, I headed back home.
The youngest neighbor boy stopped me along the way. I don't remember our exact conversation but that is when we met. His name was David, and he became a very close and dear friend to me from then on. He was so sweet, so cute, and so much fun to play with. He was always my favorite of all the "boys" although I don't think I ever told him so. We played almost every day. Sometimes with the other neighborhood kids, and other times just the two of us. He was one of my best friends. Some of my sweetest childhood memories are playing with David back in the good old days. He always stood up for me, even though he was the youngest he'd stand up to the bigger boys. They were all older, bigger, and he was grossly outnumbered. Yet still he always managed to stick up for me. He got picked on for it, but he did it anyway. This wasn't just up against his 3 brothers either, but there were other boys in the neighborhood too. I know I was a good friend to him, but he was just a great friend and a great kid. He just knew what was right and stood up for it. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. As I got older, the hazing sometimes got worse. Even in really difficult situations, David still stuck by me and risked his own humiliation just to help me out.
Boys can be disgusting boys and think things are funny when they are not. They don't always know where to draw the line. One time my best friend Kerri and I were laying in a bedroom at her grandmother's house which was across the street from my house. No adults were home. We were using her Dad's sun lamp and trying to get a tan. I don't remember if we were in our underwear or a bathing suit - but it wasn't much. Well it wasn't long and the boys found out. Kerri was lucky when it came to being picked on by the boys. She had a big brother. Basically they all new better than to mess with her. Myself, I was on my own. I was also a VERY early bloomer. Had boobs before I new what to do with them. Didn't know how to act about them, or what to do about the attention they caused. Too naive to even know they caused such a problem. So the cat was out of the bag that Kerri and I were sunbathing in the bedroom. The boys yanked Kerri out of the room and locked me in with one boy at a time. I am not sure what each of them wanted for sure. They weren't bad kids really - just dumb boys. They did try to take my clothes off but no one succeeded at doing anything. Although they may have caught a glimpse of my boob or a feel here and there. I was fighting them off. I tried to get out, but the other boys would hold the door shut. It was really terrible. I don't know why they thought that was so funny. David convinced them that he wanted to give it a try. So they let him in. That boy was my hero. Trying to help me out. I was able to get the rest of my clothes on. I couldn't get out the window because the bedroom was too high. I don't know how we pulled it off but I remember I did get out. He probably got beat up for it. I loved David so much for things like that. He was a true friend. I am really sad that I lost touch with him over the years. Friends like that just don't come around often. It is sad for me that he is not still a part of my life. Not romantically of course, but as still the dear friend he was.
Sadly, we all got older and grew our separate ways. I got a dumb boyfriend. Like seriously, what the heck was I thinking!?!? I went to the vocational school in New Bedford. David went to Fairhaven High, and I really didn't see much of him after that. I always remembered our days together though. Swimming in the pool, playing games, house, and even barbies. David, Kerri, and I would get into these imaginary exploring games in the woods. We'd find forts and club houses, reenact movies and tv shows like Star Wars and Punky Brewster. When all the neighborhood kids were out we'd have fun with games of man hunt. What a blast! We'd also play war and other things too.
I'd love to relive those days again......
I am so thankful that Kerri went to Voc with me. I wished we'd be in the same classes, but she was on the opposite schedule and she was interested in cosmetology. I was interested in the medical program. We both went out for the cheerleading squad when we were entering in 9th grade. I think Kerri tried out just to be with me. She really didn't seem like she really wanted it, you know what I mean? She was embarrassed at the try out and kept laughing. She didn't end up making the team but I did. I was so sad, it wouldn't be the same without her. I wonder if she even really wanted to make the team. She ended up playing volley ball and I think basket ball. I think that is where her heart truly was.
When we were still in middle school Kerri and I both tried out for the St Josephs squad. We heard about some cheer camp for the weekend that was held at St Joseph's School. There was a fee for the weekend clinic, we both got excited and signed up. After the clinic we found out that the tryouts were starting. We learned that even though we didn't go to the school we were still allowed to try out for the team. We were so excited!! It was like a week long process. They cut girls out every day. We made it at least half way through the week. We were having so much fun, and the excitement was building up more and more as we passed each cut. Every day the same thing would go through our minds, and we'd ask each other on the way to try outs "Do you think we're going to make it?"
Out of nowhere I was attacked. No not physically but with words. St Joseph's as you might have guessed was a Catholic school. I was approached, I am not sure how they new. I guess it is quite possible that a jealous girl was trying to get rid of some of the competition like a scene from the movie " Mean girls." The truth is, and I am proud to say it since it is no secret, I am not Catholic. I am Christian, but not Catholic. Well it turns out that the Catholic school was allowed to discriminate based on your religious views. I was told that since I was not a student of St Joseph's and I was not Catholic, that I was not allowed to be on the team. I was completely crushed. Tears, sobbing, the 9 yards of it. The next day was the final cut. I had made it so far! How unfair!! Kerri was such a great friend that even though she was Catholic, she decided to drop out too. I encouraged her to go on, I wanted her to. She was just so upset at how unfair it was, and was so disappointed her best friend wouldn't get to be with her on the team that she dropped out. What a friend!! Makes me sad that I didn't drop out of high school cheering for her too. Maybe I should have.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Furniture
When I was really little we had this strange plastic type vinyl coach and chair. The chair was a dark green and the couch was black. We must have been pretty young when I got rid of those as I only remember them in pictures.
We got this brown plaid furniture set when I was still pretty small. We had the couch with matching love seat and chair. The couch opened up to a bed which I thought was the coolest thing ever. Whenever my friend Marie White would sleep over we could open it up and sleep on it in the living room. It was so cool. It was neutral colors of browns and beige's.
The chair and hassock nursed me through chicken pox and poison ivy. Whenever I had those itchy symptoms I didn't feel comfortable in any position. My mother put the hassock up against the chair and made a small kid size bed. I had my blankets on me and I could just lay there in one position without moving. For some reason I felt more comfortable on that chair than in my own bed.
I got poison ivy often and for some reason it would always affect me mostly on my face. Bed ridden and stuck on steroids for the week I'd lay around on my chair bed and watch TV all day. I would watch the characters on the screen and envy their soft, smooth faces. I would sop up the sap with my tissue and just sigh and hope that my face would not forever be this way.
I didn't realize I was becoming attached to something so silly as a furniture set, until my parents bought a new set. I went with them to the furniture store. It was a cool place with so much to choose from. I wandered around while they picked out their new set. It was beige with a little wood trim showing. It was pretty nice.
When delivery day arrived they came to pick up our old furniture. I didn't really mention anything because I was embarrassed to be attached to furniture, but I felt like they were taking a part of me away. what was wrong with our old furniture? Why did we need a new couch? I just didn't understand it.
I had so much fun with that furniture set. When the couch was opened up to a bed there was a fun tunnel underneath to make a fort. There would be about 1 or 2 feet space in between the bed and the love seat. We would drape a blanket to make a bigger tunnel. What topped it off was taking one of my Mom's empty laundry baskets - the smaller round one - in the middle. We would use it to pop our heads up and peek.
So out went our old set and in came our new. I was sad. I think I even cried in my room by myself. Sort of ashamed at myself for being so sad over furnature.
We got this brown plaid furniture set when I was still pretty small. We had the couch with matching love seat and chair. The couch opened up to a bed which I thought was the coolest thing ever. Whenever my friend Marie White would sleep over we could open it up and sleep on it in the living room. It was so cool. It was neutral colors of browns and beige's.
The chair and hassock nursed me through chicken pox and poison ivy. Whenever I had those itchy symptoms I didn't feel comfortable in any position. My mother put the hassock up against the chair and made a small kid size bed. I had my blankets on me and I could just lay there in one position without moving. For some reason I felt more comfortable on that chair than in my own bed.
I got poison ivy often and for some reason it would always affect me mostly on my face. Bed ridden and stuck on steroids for the week I'd lay around on my chair bed and watch TV all day. I would watch the characters on the screen and envy their soft, smooth faces. I would sop up the sap with my tissue and just sigh and hope that my face would not forever be this way.
I didn't realize I was becoming attached to something so silly as a furniture set, until my parents bought a new set. I went with them to the furniture store. It was a cool place with so much to choose from. I wandered around while they picked out their new set. It was beige with a little wood trim showing. It was pretty nice.
When delivery day arrived they came to pick up our old furniture. I didn't really mention anything because I was embarrassed to be attached to furniture, but I felt like they were taking a part of me away. what was wrong with our old furniture? Why did we need a new couch? I just didn't understand it.
I had so much fun with that furniture set. When the couch was opened up to a bed there was a fun tunnel underneath to make a fort. There would be about 1 or 2 feet space in between the bed and the love seat. We would drape a blanket to make a bigger tunnel. What topped it off was taking one of my Mom's empty laundry baskets - the smaller round one - in the middle. We would use it to pop our heads up and peek.
So out went our old set and in came our new. I was sad. I think I even cried in my room by myself. Sort of ashamed at myself for being so sad over furnature.
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